Coaches Answer YOUR Questions - I

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“Ask the Coach” is an ongoing column dedicated to helping you think outside of the box in tackling some of life’s pesky little roadblocks. Questions are answered by star DiscoverULife, certified coaches: Megan Wyatt & Zeyad Ramadan. To have your question answered or to schedule a free one-on-one introductory session, email: askthecoach@distinctionsmag.com

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Br. “Lacking Discipline” age 24 from Santa Clara, CA writes:

I feel the need to put in extra hours at work because of the economy, and as a result. I am feeling guilty that I am not memorizing Quran due to time constraints. I feel that I am lacking discipline. How can I make a change?

A: First of all it is wonderful that you still have the desire to memorize Qur’an despite all that you have going on mash’Allah. Be direct though, we have to say that your question presents several bluffs :). So let’s cut to the chase. We can’t say if the reason you work so much is really because of the economy or not, but what can be said is that not having time is simply not true. If you were challenged to recite and memorize Quran for just 10 minutes a day, there is no doubt that you would have the time and we’re sure you can agree. Whether it is listening to Qur’an while you drive, putting it on an iPod and reciting along for 10 minutes near the end of lunch, or taking a 15 minute break at work, you have the time, even if your office hours are long. As for not having discipline, clearly this is false, because you have the discipline needed for putting in long hours at your job.

Your guilt has served you well in preventing you from moving forward and taking action. We feel better about inaction when we have the emotion of guilt. It’s like giving ourselves a pat on the back and saying, “see, you do care, look how bad you feel!” Guilt paralyzes and does not motivate. What is under that guilt? As coaches, our job is to help you dig when necessary to find out what is going on beneath the surface. You need a shovel brother!

Anytime we find that something is difficult to do it is because we either 1) have a boring and unexciting goal. 2) have not created a large enough “why” behind our motivation, or 3) we have a limiting belief holding us back.

Your solution might be to create an exciting goal and share it with someone who can hold you accountable. Another way is for you to build up all of the reasons why memorizing Qur’an is so important to you, and keep a written reminder close by so you can glance at it often. Finally, as mentioned, a solution is to dig and discover what is going on. For example, some people are afraid of failure, so they quit before starting.

Get started on a solution and let us know what works for you. The great news is that there is always a way to make things work, once you know what allows you to sink or float. Join our upcoming call if you need help digging deeper behind a specific barrier you’ve uncovered. Part of our job is to expedite your “distinctions” more rapidly than you would come across on your own.

Sr. “Overwhelmed” from San Jose, CA writes:

When should I STOP making commitments? How many things can I focus on and be the most productive with my time?

A: There is nothing like a draining week where you feel like you are being pulled in so many directions because you have taken on so many commitments. First of all it is great that you are active, I would guess, are motivated by giving to others from your time and talent, mashaAllah. There are two questions I would like you to ask yourself about your commitments?

1) What is difficult for you about saying no?

2) How will such and such activity help me accomplish my goals?

The first question may require some honest digging on your part. While I can’t speak about you personally without spending more time with you, my experience tells me that people who have much too much on their plate have a hard time saying no because they are either afraid of what people will think or they need a constant stream of activities to feel good about themselves. Busy people are just “always that way.” You never see them slow down, even when they are constantly stressed, tense, under pressure, losing sleep, and getting ill, they still can’t take a break. They have moments of break down that no one else sees where they wish they could take a month long vacation away. They love what they are doing but too much of a good thing is harmful. When you can tackle what you are afraid will happen when you say the big N-O, then you can get closer to understanding why you are often out of balance.

The second question gives you a framework for your decisions. If you have defined specific goals that you want to accomplish in the next year, it becomes easier to know what to commit to and what you should decline. First and foremost there is our Ultimate Purpose. From that you have your daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. I’ll take a stab at this and say perhaps you have not defined for yourself your goals? Active people do so much for others, but one of the consequences is that they never have time to slow down and ask, “What do I want to accomplish?” When you do this, it will be much easier to not only say no, but feel GOOD about doing so because you will know that by not stretching yourself too thin, and being happy, well rested, and productive, you will bring about MORE benefit to others and to yourself inshaAllah.

Sr. “Seeking Efficiency” from San Jose, CA writes:

What are ways I can increase my efficiency in my chores and other obligations so that I have more time to do what it is that I want to do.

A: Everyone in the world is given the same time everyday to spend, 24 hours. Doesn’t it seem that some people just get more done and you wonder what they are doing differently? The secret is to “create” more time. People often say they “don’t have time to do the things they want to do,” but I would be the first to challenge you on that. I promise you that you have the time; you just haven’t found it yet. My advice is simple for this one: get a planner! Or a Google calendar or whatever you need to create a schedule. Being timely, organized, and consistent doesn’t happen by accident. Our Creator Knows us best and thus, has not only made it obligatory that we pray five times a day but has also prescribed fixed times to do them in. Without that structure, I wonder how many of us would manage five prayers every single day? I’ll leave you the calculations to do on that one. My point is that you should schedule in the things that matter to you. Even if you put it on your calendar for 3 weeks from now, you have it down and it will happen inshaAllah. Then it won’t be that you have more time but that you spend it on what matters.

We are creatures of habit though aren’t we? And some people learn to thrive in chaos. I admit I’m in recovery from that one! I realized how many things I labled “urgent” and “important” were taking over my life, when in reality most of them fell into the “not really urgent,” and in all honesty, the “it can wait” category. At the end of the day I used to feel like I did nothing but email and then wonder why my chores still weren’t done AND I hadn’t had much fun that day. Forget that. Give yourself time for all things and you will feel in balance in your life. We are supposed to be people of the middle path. The Prophet, peace be upon him, made in clear in numerous places that there is a time and place for all things. Dedicate time to your chores and your passion, and I promise you things will get done MUCH more efficiently because you’ll be excited to get to the good stuff in your schedule inshallah! This is another huge part of what we do as coaches, helping you sort through the false positives and get down to schedule and act upon what really matters.